wendywillard.com Blog

Friends Every Woman Should Have

2010-03-10T17:59:28Z

There’s an article that has made its round on the web for the past few years, entitled Five Friends Every Woman Should Have. It’s written by Michelle Burford, of O, The Oprah Magazine, and begins with this commentary:

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves,” writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the “family” I’ve gathered — with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things — among the wisest choices I’ve made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.

In case you haven’t read it, I’ve included the a link to the original article.

Burford lists the five categories of friends as: The Uplifter, The Travel Buddy, The Truth Teller, The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun, and The Unlikely Friend. I’d like to expand on her thoughts a bit…

1. The Uplifter
This friend is more likely to say “yes” than “no” regardless of the situation. She’s willing to watch your kids when you need a break, and sends you notes of encouragement when you’re feeling down. She is a perpetual source of positive feedback.

2. The Travel Active Buddy
I’m guessing there are not a lot of 30- and 40-something moms who jet-set off to St. Lucia with pals (as the original author suggested). Instead, I think this friend is the woman who joins you for a late-night chick-flick when you need a few laughs, or the one who cycles beside you regularly at the gym. There may not be a ton of deep conversation with this buddy, but that’s OK because the silence (while you’re being active together) is comfortable. You enjoy that this woman is just there with you when you need to get out of the house.

3. The Truth Teller
Burford wrote, “Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you’ve established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you’d be smart to seek out this woman’s perspective.” I agree. In addition, for Christian women, this friend is the one you can count on to give you sound advice from a Biblical perspective. And when you’re finished talking, she prays with you about the situation. We all can benefit from a few Truth Tellers in our lives.

4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun Who Has Been There
This friend is the one you turn to when your husband loses his job and you don’t know how to handle it, or when the school wants to set up an IEP for your child but you don’t even know what those three little letters stand for. You may have met her through your kids’ activities, church, or some other family event. In any case, she has a family like yours, and can offer suggestions when some aspect of your family is cause for concern. Why? Because she’s been there. This mentor is a great person to help guide you through a new experience.

5. The Unlikely Friend
We all have unlikely friends. You know, those who are quite a bit older or younger, of a different race or religion, richer, poorer, or just part of a completely different social circle. As Burford wrote, the friends “have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.” Amen to that.

As a good (yet unlikely) friend once told me, every now and then you need to take stock of your friends. You should always surround yourself with a few in each of these categories. But perhaps more importantly, we need to make sure we are acting as these types of friends for the other women in our lives. So while you might have a couple of great girlfriends who are the mentors in your life (The Girls Who Have Been There), who are you mentoring? And while you might have several women who uplift and encourage you, who are you uplifting?

Scripture Toolbox for Kids

2010-03-09T00:14:25Z

About two years ago my mom’s group worked through Lisa Welchel’s Creative Correction. Throughout the book, Lisa provides scripture for parents to use in training kids. For example, have a drama-loving daughter who frequently rolls her eyes at you? There’s a verse for that. Frustrated by a son who bullies the neighborhood kids? There are verses for that. Have a tween feeling the effects of peer pressure? There are verses for that.

I took Lisa’s suggestions, as well as those of others in my mom’s group. Then, I added a few that pertained to stuff my kids are dealing with right now. Finally, I “made it pretty” (because I certainly couldn’t leave it as plain text – it’s the curse of being a designer). The result is shown to the right, and can be downloaded here. Note that it’s set up with two toolboxes per page and is intended to be printed on an 8.5 x 11″ sheet of paper. My printer has a setting to print borderless, which allows the color to run all the way to the edges. If your printer doesn’t have that setting, you can “shrink to fit.” Cut down the middle to separate the two copies.

Wondering how it works? Sometimes I ask my kids to find and read the verses that apply to their particular situation. Other times, they might need to really *ponder* a verse, in which case they might find themselves writing it several times (maybe four or five times their age depending on the offense). I find this works really well because it comes from the Creator, and not mom or dad. In other words, these are God’s rules, not ours (and He’s the one who made us all!). When we explain it to our kids this way, they are less likely to argue about it. Of course, you can use it however you’d like.

Keep in mind these are not the only verses that apply to each situation. Thankfully, there are usually dozens of verses for each item listed. Those included are simply meant to help your child see what God says about things like sibling rivalry and modesty. If a particular situation warrants additional study on a subject, check out an online topic Bible search like Open Bible’s Topical Bible or Nave’s Topical Bible.

What I’ve Been Reading

2010-03-03T15:21:16Z

It’s time for an update regarding what I’ve been reading. If nothing else, it’s a great way for me to record the books that have impacted me over the course of the last few months.

Same Kind of Different as Me

This was February’s selection for my book club, and it has served to prove why this club is awesome. Each month, we take turns hosting and selecting the title. I’ve been introduced to some books I would never have chosen for myself, including this one. And yet, I am SO glad I read it. It’s the true story of two completely different men (one is homeless, living on the streets of Texas, and the other is a wealthy art dealer also living in Texas), and the woman who brings them together. I don’t want to say too much more, so as not to ruin it for anyone who might read it. But, I can say with absolute certainty that this story moved me. I loved it.

The Last Song

In January, I traveled to Texas for a conference. I picked up this book for some “fluff” to read on the plane. You know the type: sappy, you-know-the-ending-before-it-happens, romantic type of book. The kind that doesn’t make you think too much, but just entertains. That’s the type of book I was looking for, and for the most part it fit. But it also pleasantly surprised me. If you haven’t heard, this is Nicholas Sparks’ latest novel-gone-big screen. Last month we saw Dear John hit theaters everywhere, and The Last Song will follow this spring, featuring the talents of Miley Cyrus. In fact, that’s why I picked it up. With tween girls in the house, I was expecting them to want to see this movie and figured it’d be good to read the book first.

The main character, Ronnie (played by Miley in the movie), is forced to spend the summer she turns 18 with her estranged father in North Carolina. She’d rather be back in NYC, living with her mom, and hanging out at clubs with her friends. But something happens in NC – she falls in love. Obviously that’s not the surprising part. It’s how Sparks develops the relationship between Ronnie and her dad that I really enjoyed. I look forward to seeing how this translates to the big screen.

Not My Daughter

This is March’s book club pick, and yet another example of a book I probably wouldn’t have picked up on my own (but am glad to have read). The story is a fictionalized account of the “pregnancy pact” made famous by some girls in New England a few years back. Barbara Delinsky is known for writing about topics that make people talk, and this is no exception. I can’t wait for our book club meeting, because I’m sure there will be a lot of discussion about this title.

The story centers primarily around a high school principal whose 17-year-old daughter becomes pregnant, after entering into a pact with three of her friends. The twist? These kids all come from what most people would describe as good homes. They are honor students expecting scholarships at Ivy League schools. But when the story breaks, everyone starts asking, “whose to blame here?” The book touches on controversial topics like stay-at-home vs. working moms, and asks important questions about whether a parent should be held accountable when a child makes a bad decision.

Tea with Hezbollah: Sitting at the Enemies Table Our Journey Through the Middle East

OK. Now that we’ve covered a little romance and drama, let’s talk about something completely different. I love Ted Dekker. He’s written some of my favorite suspense thrillers. In that sense, Tea with Hezbollah is no different. However, this one isn’t a story from the depths of Dekker’s imagination, but rather the real-life tale of his trip through the Middle East on a mission to ask “is it really possible to love one’s enemies?”.

Dekker is a master storyteller, and turns taxi rides and trips to Starbucks into a fascinating and (sometimes) terrifying journey. I found myself driven to maps of the Middle East, as I traced Dekker’s path and sought to understand it all. I normally don’t read books that require 20 pages of definitions in the back, but I seriously enjoyed this and learned a ton along the way.

Rules are Rules

2010-03-02T03:02:32Z

I’ve received a lot of comments (in person and on Facebook) about my 10-year-old’s escapades with Facebook. One of the biggest points of debate seems to be whether it is appropriate for kids to have a Facebook account at all.

Facebook’s rules state users must be at least 13 years old in order to obtain an account. However, they do nothing to actually verify a user’s age. As such, my daughter was able to change her birthday to make it seem she was 16 years old. When I logged into her account, I found at least ten other girls in her class who also had accounts. Obviously, these girls also changed their birthdates, with or without parental permission.

After I wrote my initial post, I’ve encountered a fair number of parents who have given permission for their kids to “fudge their age” in order to sign up for Facebook. I don’t know whether it is out of desperation (because these kids can certainly be persistent in their demands) or just for lack of understanding (maybe they don’t know about the icky 40-year-old men friending their 10-year-old daughters). In either case, I disagree. Here’s why:

1) Rules are rules, regardless of whether we agree. A good friend said it best when she commented, “if we let our kids break the rules to obtain a Facebook account at age 10, what’s next? How about when they are 15 and decide to take the car out for a joy ride, or 17 and get drunk?” If we teach our kids it’s OK to break some rules now, when the consequences aren’t that harmful, we’re just setting them up to break rules later, when the consequences can be fatal.

2) The risks are real. In just three days of having a Facebook account, multiple older men attempted to friend my 10-year-old. Her profile was not visible to non-friends, but her photo was. Apparently that was enough to cause them to friend her. They didn’t know her, or me, so I have no other choice but to consider them to be predators searching for naive young girls online. Unfortunately, this type of thing will continue to happen (even when she is old enough to actually have a Facebook account) so we, as parents, must teach our kids about the risks and how to deal with them.

3) It exposes them to mature content. Consider a 10-year-old girl who friends the 16-year-old brother of her best friend. She is then exposed to the conversations, photos, and thoughts of a whole slew of kids who are six, seven, maybe eight years older. Would you let your 10-year-old daughter go to an unsupervised party with a bunch of high school juniors and seniors? I suggest allowing them to be friends with those kids on Facebook is much the same.

So… what’s a parent of a tween to do? When your kids outgrow Webkinz, but are too young for Facebook, where do you turn? Thankfully, a safe alternative is about to be unveiled (according to my sources). Stay tuned for the launching of a “Facebook for tweens” next week… (no, I’m not launching a business – it’s just one that I’ve heard is on the horizon).

Family Internet Contract

2010-02-25T21:58:49Z

In the wake of all the email and Facebook hoopla at our house, I have gotten a lot of feedback (both online and offline). One person asked if I was embarrassed to admit that we, being self-proclaimed tech junkies, had a daughter who out-witted us (technically speaking). My answer is simple: I hope our mishap helps other parents learn to *really* pay attention to what their kids are doing online. If we can be duped, so can you!

Our 10-year-old daughter knew we monitored the email on the laptop, so she signed up for a new Gmail account using her iPod Touch over our wireless broadband access. (I must admit I was amazed at just how smart she was to accomplish all this! I see a bright future for her technologically, as long as she uses it for the right purposes.) As I speak to more and more parents about this, I am realizing how many kids trying these types of sneaky tactics… and how many are getting away with it!

Another girl who goes to school with my 5th grader frequently sends us email at 11:30pm… on school nights. When asked, she says she isn’t tired, so she plays on the computer… late at night… in her bedroom. I checked out her Facebook profile. She lied and said she was 16 to get the account. Her picture is cute. Her info says she’s “looking for men.” Her parents have no idea. They don’t have Facebook accounts. They don’t use the Internet much. They don’t realize what their child is doing online, or who she is talking to.

Do you?

I found a “Family Internet Contract” (courtesy of iMom.com) that certainly isn’t going to prevent kids from doing this stuff, but it could help parents have an informed conversation with their kids, hopefully before email and MySpace/Facebook accounts are obtained “on the sly.” Or if you’re like us, and this whole “growing up” thing sort of snuck up on you (i.e., our kids are already heavily online), this contract can be a great way to make sure we’re all on the same page.

Yearning for Change

2010-02-25T12:15:30Z

I was brushing my hair the other day when it struck me: why am I so dissatisfied with what God has given me? And, at this moment, with my hair color? I started dying it in my late 20s, when I noticed a touch of gray. I immediately instructed my stylist to cover that gray with something fresh and beautiful, and have been doing so ever since. (Isn’t that what all the commercials tell us to do?)

But I had an appointment scheduled for a few days later, and this time I wasn’t just planning on covering the gray, I had actually told my stylist I “wanted something fresh,” because I was bored with my current color. “Maybe some auburn highlights?” I asked. Yes, I do believe those were my exact words. Now that I write them here, they seem a bit hallow.

My small group has just started a series entitled Ten Questions to Diagnose Your Spiritual Health by Donald S. Whitney. The first chapter starts with “Do you thirst for God?” It has me thinking… a lot. Also, last week’s sermon about “Living an Intentional Life“… that has me thinking too. Finally, our book club just read ">Same Kind of Different as Me (more on that in tomorrow’ post)… and that has me really thinking.

It’s all making me ponder how much of what God has given me I am trying to change. He gave me a wonderful husband, who loves and cares for me and our children. So what if he always leaves his dirty underwear behind the bathroom door. God gave him to me just as he is… why am I trying to change him?

He also gave me the talent for a job I can perform from home, so as to always be available for my kids. Yet, I have this desire for more… more power and prestige in the workforce… something I can’t have by working part-time from home while my kids are in school. I am blessed with what most women would refer to as “the best of both worlds”… so why am I trying to change that?

And then there’s the thing that got me started on this whole topic. It’s the least important of all these things I’m trying to change, yet it was what God used (at least, what He used today) to give me a wake-up call today. It’s my mousy-brown, turning-gray, hair. I’ve hated the color since I was old enough to know I could change it. Isn’t that what causes us all so much trouble—the knowledge there we could have something better? (Not to mention the fact that I could obviously be doing a whole lot more *useful* stuff with the money I’ve spent on changing my hair color.) I’m not saying hair color is everyone’s issue, but it’s definitely one of mine. I think it just points to an underlying current of discontentment in my life.

So I told the stylist I wanted her to color me back to my natural color (yuck), to avoid the whole my-roots-are-showing scene. I’m not in love with it, but I’ll learn to live with it. Or, better put: I’m making the decision to be content with it… for now. I’m kinda hoping God waits until I’m *really* old to turn my hair completely gray… either that or we all get raptured before the gray makes its permanent home on my head. A girl can dream, can’t she?

Oh but in case that doesn’t happen, Proverbs 16:31 offers some encouragement: Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life. Seriously? Well, alrighty then .

Dairy/Soy-Free Chocolate Cake

2010-02-21T01:37:19Z

We’ve been accustomed to cooking dairy-free for over 10 years, because my oldest daughter (who is 10) turned up with a dairy allergy pretty much as soon as she came into this world. So we’ve become good at knowing which brand of cake mix or granola bar, for example, typically doesn’t include dairy. We’ve also been adventurous in trying to make our own dairy-free cakes and granola bars (some good, some not-so-much), among other things, thanks to web sites like The Food Allergy Mama and Go Dairy Free.

Then we met a family that just moved here from the left side of the country, whose daughter is not only allergic to dairy, but also soy. Yikes! I did not realize how lucky we were until I tried cooking without dairy or soy! We typically replace dairy with soy products, like dairy-free margarine (which is soy-based) and soy milk. Did you know even many canned spaghetti sauces contain soy products? (I found that out when I considered preparing spaghetti the first night we had our new friends over.)

Tonight we were invited to our new friends’ home, and asked to bring a dessert. Great! I love making desserts. I decided to make a chocolate cake because, well, who doesn’t like chocolate cake? I’ve frequently made dairy-free chocolate cakes, which are yummy, so I figured it wouldn’t be that hard, right? Hmmm. There are a few dairy- and soy-free chocolate cake recipes, but not very many with good reviews, except this one. It’s called the “Easiest Chocolate Cake Recipe” and it really is easy. I had all the ingredients on-hand, which was a bonus.

After I got the cake into the oven, I started searching for a frosting recipe. Here’s where things really got sticky (pardon the pun ). Virtually *all* the frosting recipes I found included some form or dairy or margarine. And lest you think I could use shortening, no! That is soy-based! So I went out on a limb and tried a powdered sugar/water combination, plus a tad bit of oil, some cocoa powder, and a little raspberry flavoring for good measure.

You can see the result in the photo. Now I don’t normally cut into cakes before taking them to someone’s home, but I was really nervous about this one (and maybe a little hungry), so I had to do it. The frosting was really really sweet, so I was afraid it would ruin the cake. But… (insert drum roll here)… it was good! The frosting *is* sweet, but the cake is moist, rich, and melt-in-my-mouth-yummy. Overall, it’s something I’m pleased to take to a friend’s house. I hope the girls all love it too! (I might need to admit to our hostess why I’m not so hungry for dinner now…)

As far as what I’d do differently next time, I think this cake would go well with a home-made whipped cream (of course I would use soy creamer, but that wouldn’t work for our soy-free friend). The whipped cream might be served on the side, so those who couldn’t eat the cream would still be able to enjoy the cake (which really is delicious enough to stand on its own, without any frosting at all).

P.S. A few people have asked why I didn’t just make two desserts – one for the girls with allergies, and one for everyone else. To those people I say: you obviously have never lived with someone affected by food allergies! Unfortunately, when eating out, at parties or with guests, those with food allergies are forced to eat separate meals *most* of their lives. Whenever possible, I try to prepare meals everyone in the family can enjoy, regardless of their food allergies. Of course this is not always feasible, but I like to at least try. And hey, it makes for some interesting experiments sometimes!

Our Favorite Family Game

2010-02-15T20:57:14Z

Thanks to Snowmageddon 2010, our kids haven’t been to school since the morning of February 5th (they came home two hours early that day). In case you need help with that calculation, they have been home for 10 days, with 50+ of snow on the ground. This has made for a lot of “family time” (some good and some… not so good). But the good parts had a lot to do with one particular board game, which has been played for hours on end with everyone from grandparents to neighbors. The game? Blokus.

Yes! We finally found a game that is equally challenging to an 8-year-old, a 10-year-old, and their parents (who are at least 30… something). You each receive a series of pieces that look like they belong in a game of Tetris. You’re then instructed to place them all on the board. Sounds simple enough, right? Sure. But when everyone else is placing their pieces on the board in such as way as to “block” you (it’s the name of the game, folks), things get pretty tough.

In fact, I wasn’t able play all of my pieces for the first month of owning the game. None of us did. But then, I played a game with three friends and actually went out. Hooray! (OK, I admit these women had never played the game before so maybe it wasn’t truly fair, but I still used all my pieces for the first time ever!)

The only potential drawback is that you really need four players to play the game correctly. But with our family of four, that actually works really well. During the Super Bowl, we had a bunch of people over and took turns playing rounds of Blokus. Everyone had a blast.

If you haven’t yet tried this game, definitely check it out. I think you’ll end up with some really fun family time… we certainly did . (P.S. Target sells it for about $27, but Amazon has it for less than $20.) We’re now off to purchase the alternative version… with triangles.

Kids and Facebook

2010-02-09T02:40:52Z

So… now for part 2 of our ongoing “privacy” debate with a 10-year-old. Earlier today I wrote about my daughter’s discovering secret gmail account. Upon doing so, I blocked gmail on the laptop, but didn’t say anything else. The girls had taken the laptop upstairs (something we had allowed them to do provided the door stayed open), so I went and retrieved it, saying only that it would no longer be allowed upstairs. When pressed for answers, I told them we’d discuss it when their father got home (that’s always good for causing a few minutes of mental distress).

All day I could tell something was bugging my oldest daughter, but I didn’t discuss it any further with her. After dinner, she asked my husband what he needed to discuss with her. He said, “I think you know.” She asked, “Does it have the letters g and m in it?” He confirmed her suspicions. She then screamed, “You’re the meanest parents in the whole world” before throwing herself on her bed in tears.

And that’s where I found her about 20 minutes later (still sniffling). She asked me, “so you know all about the stuff I did?” I nodded. Then she said something I wasn’t expecting: “Both things?”

[Here's where I did some really fast thinking so I could act like a responsible parent even though I had no idea what "both things" were.]

I responded, “We log everything on that computer (which is true).” She questioned why it took me three days to talk to her about it. I reminded her that I don’t spend all day reviewing her computer usage, but that I perform spot-checks periodically (this morning being one of those times). Then she proposes: “So tell me what I did.”

I counter with: “No. God knows all our sins, but He still requires us to confess them to him before offering forgiveness. It’s the same here.” (Ohhhh… that was good! Don’t know where I pulled that one from…) It worked, because eventually she said, “Does the second thing start with an f?”

WHAT? My 10-year-old created a Facebook account behind my back?!?!

Inside I am flipping out, but outside I am cool as a cucumber (who knew those acting classes would come in handy for parenting?). I nodded and then told her how she had broken the law by signing up for a Facebook account at age 10. She said, “I didn’t read those statements, I just clicked Agree.” Nice.

[Sidebar: I search Facebook and found the account - she had already uploaded a photo, played Yoville, and gotten 12 friends!]

We then had a good heart-to-heart about peer pressure and picking good friends (friends who don’t tell you to create secret email and Facebook accounts, for example). She just wants “to be cool,” and I get that. I told her this is a good lesson to start learning young, because she’s going to be faced with a whole lot more dangerous suggestions from friends as she grows up. She still doesn’t understand why things like unsupervised email and Facebooking can be dangerous, but that’s OK. She is only 10. I don’t want her to imagine all the horrible things that could happen… at least not yet.

In the end, I guess we all learned something. For starters, she learned we really do monitor her computer usage (in case she was wondering how much she could get away with), and we learned that we really do need to monitor her computer usage (in case we forgot how quickly our kids are growing up). We also started a healthy conversation about friends that will probably continue for the next decade or so.

[Note to self: install keystroke monitor ASAP!]

Kids and Email

2010-02-25T20:30:49Z

About a year ago, my daughter (who was 9 at the time) started asking for her own email account. This, I suppose, comes from having parents who make a living using computers. In any case, after researching our options, we found lots of suggestions online for using free web-based services like Gmail to setup and monitor a child’s email account.

Ultimately, we decided to set her up with a Verizon account (we use Verizon for Internet access, and have multiple email accounts with our service), because we specifically wanted a desktop-based email solution. Why? Because it forces her to use Microsoft Outlook to check email (you can’t check a Gmail or Yahoo account through Outlook unless you pay an additional fee). Microsoft Outlook has some filtering tools that can be particularly helpful to parents hoping to restrict who is able to send their children messages. (Read more on how to set up Outlook to filter your child’s email.)

The filtering tools mean that I see a copy of all messages going through her account. This has been particularly helpful for me to find out what’s important to 10-year-olds. You know, stuff like whether school will be canceled because of snow, which teachers pick their noses, and which boy has a crush on which girl.

This has worked really well for almost a year. But, our now 10-year-old is a whole year smarter. She’s recently decided she “deserves privacy” in every facet of her life, including her email. Her father and I beg to disagree. We’ve told her that while she’s living in our house, we have a right to monitor any and all communication with the outside world. Lest you think this sounds a little like Big Brother… try reading the news headlines with regard to who’s trying to do what to our kids, then we’ll talk.

Anyway, today I did a spot-check on the email she’s received over the past few days and found a reference to another email account. Apparently, she emailed her friends on Saturday to tell them she had set up her own Gmail account, and that they should only write her at that account, for privacy sake. Ummmmm… have I mentioned she’s 10?!

So I quickly brought the laptop into my office and adjusted the parental controls for her account. I blocked mail.google.com (as well as mail.yahoo.com just in case she gets any bright ideas). Then I left the computer sitting out to wait and see what happens when she tries to access her precious new Gmail account.

To be continued…