With two daughters, I hear a lot about “mean girls.” It seems like every week there’s more drama about who’s not speaking to whom, and who called who certain bad names. I’m sure my own daughters participate more than they admit.

Today I was getting a pedicure (thanks to my wonderful birthday present from my husband ) and the nail tech and I got to talking about such girl antics. At first I thought we were of one mind about the whole issue, but then she told me a story that left me speechless. She said that the other day her second-grade daughter came home complaining about another girl in her class. The mom (this woman I was speaking with) proceeded to tell her daughter, “Oh, ignore her… she’s a bitch anyway, just like her mother.”

I was shocked. I’ve heard moms talk like that to their teenage daughters, but never had I heard a mom talk that… er, frankly… with her 8-year-old.

Wait, frank is not the right word. Or is it? Has such foul language become so accepted in our culture that it’s OK to use it with second graders?

When moms are telling their daughters that other women are bitches, we are doing our daughters (and their whole generation) a huge disservice. We are continuing a cycle of mean girls that has absolutely no benefit in our culture. Doesn’t this mom realize she is contributing to the problem instead of helping to fix it?

When I got home and told my husband this story, he said he hears it all day at work. The women in his office frequently throw verbal punches at each other, and it’s not pretty. There are women who can slay others without ever breaking a sweat (or a nail), all while wearing a smile. Of course that sort of thing happens in schools and offices everywhere.

Why must we, as women, tear each other down so much? And worse still, why do we teach our daughters that it’s OK to treat each other that way?

I know this one insignificant blog post can’t change the world, but I am publicly stating I want my home to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. So for all those women that I’ve hurt in the past with my verbal punches and negative thoughts, I apologize.

I want to follow Christ’s example, to speak words of encouragement (Ephesians 4:29) instead of insult, words of sweetness (Proverbs 16:24) instead of bitterness. I pray I will be a good example for my daughters, so together we can help break the mean girl cycle.

There’s an article that has made its round on the web for the past few years, entitled Five Friends Every Woman Should Have. It’s written by Michelle Burford, of O, The Oprah Magazine, and begins with this commentary:

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves,” writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the “family” I’ve gathered — with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things — among the wisest choices I’ve made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.

In case you haven’t read it, I’ve included the a link to the original article.

Burford lists the five categories of friends as: The Uplifter, The Travel Buddy, The Truth Teller, The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun, and The Unlikely Friend. I’d like to expand on her thoughts a bit…

1. The Uplifter
This friend is more likely to say “yes” than “no” regardless of the situation. She’s willing to watch your kids when you need a break, and sends you notes of encouragement when you’re feeling down. She is a perpetual source of positive feedback.

2. The Travel Active Buddy
I’m guessing there are not a lot of 30- and 40-something moms who jet-set off to St. Lucia with pals (as the original author suggested). Instead, I think this friend is the woman who joins you for a late-night chick-flick when you need a few laughs, or the one who cycles beside you regularly at the gym. There may not be a ton of deep conversation with this buddy, but that’s OK because the silence (while you’re being active together) is comfortable. You enjoy that this woman is just there with you when you need to get out of the house.

3. The Truth Teller
Burford wrote, “Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you’ve established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you’d be smart to seek out this woman’s perspective.” I agree. In addition, for Christian women, this friend is the one you can count on to give you sound advice from a Biblical perspective. And when you’re finished talking, she prays with you about the situation. We all can benefit from a few Truth Tellers in our lives.

4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun Who Has Been There
This friend is the one you turn to when your husband loses his job and you don’t know how to handle it, or when the school wants to set up an IEP for your child but you don’t even know what those three little letters stand for. You may have met her through your kids’ activities, church, or some other family event. In any case, she has a family like yours, and can offer suggestions when some aspect of your family is cause for concern. Why? Because she’s been there. This mentor is a great person to help guide you through a new experience.

5. The Unlikely Friend
We all have unlikely friends. You know, those who are quite a bit older or younger, of a different race or religion, richer, poorer, or just part of a completely different social circle. As Burford wrote, the friends “have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.” Amen to that.

As a good (yet unlikely) friend once told me, every now and then you need to take stock of your friends. You should always surround yourself with a few in each of these categories. But perhaps more importantly, we need to make sure we are acting as these types of friends for the other women in our lives. So while you might have a couple of great girlfriends who are the mentors in your life (The Girls Who Have Been There), who are you mentoring? And while you might have several women who uplift and encourage you, who are you uplifting?

I was brushing my hair the other day when it struck me: why am I so dissatisfied with what God has given me? And, at this moment, with my hair color? I started dying it in my late 20s, when I noticed a touch of gray. I immediately instructed my stylist to cover that gray with something fresh and beautiful, and have been doing so ever since. (Isn’t that what all the commercials tell us to do?)

But I had an appointment scheduled for a few days later, and this time I wasn’t just planning on covering the gray, I had actually told my stylist I “wanted something fresh,” because I was bored with my current color. “Maybe some auburn highlights?” I asked. Yes, I do believe those were my exact words. Now that I write them here, they seem a bit hallow.

My small group has just started a series entitled Ten Questions to Diagnose Your Spiritual Health by Donald S. Whitney. The first chapter starts with “Do you thirst for God?” It has me thinking… a lot. Also, last week’s sermon about “Living an Intentional Life“… that has me thinking too. Finally, our book club just read Same Kind of Different as Me (more on that in tomorrow’ post)… and that has me really thinking.

It’s all making me ponder how much of what God has given me I am trying to change. He gave me a wonderful husband, who loves and cares for me and our children. So what if he always leaves his dirty underwear behind the bathroom door. God gave him to me just as he is… why am I trying to change him?

He also gave me the talent for a job I can perform from home, so as to always be available for my kids. Yet, I have this desire for more… more power and prestige in the workforce… something I can’t have by working part-time from home while my kids are in school. I am blessed with what most women would refer to as “the best of both worlds”… so why am I trying to change that?

And then there’s the thing that got me started on this whole topic. It’s the least important of all these things I’m trying to change, yet it was what God used (at least, what He used today) to give me a wake-up call today. It’s my mousy-brown, turning-gray, hair. I’ve hated the color since I was old enough to know I could change it. Isn’t that what causes us all so much trouble—the knowledge there we could have something better? (Not to mention the fact that I could obviously be doing a whole lot more *useful* stuff with the money I’ve spent on changing my hair color.) I’m not saying hair color is everyone’s issue, but it’s definitely one of mine. I think it just points to an underlying current of discontentment in my life.

So I told the stylist I wanted her to color me back to my natural color (yuck), to avoid the whole my-roots-are-showing scene. I’m not in love with it, but I’ll learn to live with it. Or, better put: I’m making the decision to be content with it… for now. I’m kinda hoping God waits until I’m *really* old to turn my hair completely gray… either that or we all get raptured before the gray makes its permanent home on my head. A girl can dream, can’t she?

Oh but in case that doesn’t happen, Proverbs 16:31 offers some encouragement: Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life. Seriously? Well, alrighty then .

When the earthquake struck Haiti, we were immediately concerned for our friend, Kez. She’s an American nurse who lives in Haiti ten months out of the year, volunteering with an organization called Angel Missions Haiti. They help identify children who have medical needs that cannot be treated in Haiti, and find a way to bring them to the US to be treated. (In case you’re wondering, Kez spends the other two months of the year working as the camp nurse at Chop Point Summer Camp in Maine, which is of course how we know her.)

We were all thrilled to find out Kez not only survived, but has been caring for hundreds of refugees in a field near her home (or what’s left of it). She has been able to secure additional supplies for her refugee camp, and continues to care for them as she is able (with God’s help). She is blogging about how this catastrophe has changed her life and the lives of those around her. Here’s a brief tidbit of her latest post. Please keep Kez in your prayers and click through to read the rest.

A new life – I used to have a life. It is gone. Can you imagine that? Everything that you knew, everything that made up your day – gone. Now, I have a new life, but it does not resemble my old life.

I used to have a job, several jobs actually. They are gone, buildings disappeared into piles of rubble and patients disappeared to the countryside. Now, I have a new job, but it does not resemble my old job.

I used to have friends. They are gone: dead, injured, or evacuated. Now, I have new friends, friends that I love, but they do not resemble my old friends. (Continue reading…)

Over the holidays we received a letter from a missionary family in Nicaragua that made us think. Usually, we read support letters (really we do) and then eventually place them in the circular file… but this one is still on my desk after two months (and that’s not because it got lost under a pile of clutter). I figured I should share the letter to see what you think.

Nicaragua is often mentioned in negative tones. A majority of the population lives on less than $2 per day. Education and health needs are always in a critical state of failure. Our current government has aligned itself with Hugo Chavez and others who are opposed to freedom and liberty. Our roads are full of potholes, fuel prices are high, running a simple errand can be exhausting and one’s car takes a beating here. Personal safety and protection is a major concern when you visit some neighborhoods. All of Managua’s trash is dumped into the lake of it’s own namesake. All of these concerns can lead one to ask, is there any hope? What about the things of God? What of the future? Is there something we can’t see in all of this?

Contrasting the obvious woes of this country with the good things of the United States is an easy task. North American roads are wonderful, well planned and clearly marked. You never see an armed guard stationed outside of a pharmacy or grocery store. Even though the U.S. is in a recession, restaurants are full, football games are sold out and the average salary is really good compared to here. Most lawns are manicured, each home has running water and indoor plumbing, lots of food in the pantry, the freezer is full and the electrical grid is stable. The average family has two cars. In general, everything is very organized. Leading one to think, these people have the kingdom of God! But, is there something lacking in all of these good things?

This leads to a concluding question, which country is more spiritually free? Nicaragua has voted consistently to keep abortion illegal – it is considered murder here. Each September, the Day of the Bible is celebrated. There are many parades and public readings of the Holy Scriptures – Genesis through Revelation. Easter is our most cherished holiday! Businesses and schools are prayed over for God’s blessings. If you took a poll on the street asking the question, “Who is Lord?” The overwhelming reply would be Jesus Christ.

In North America the Bible has been taken out of schools and special permits are needed to even talk about God in schools and in the workplace. Abortion is America’s holocaust and is the slaughter of the innocents. Christians have been forced to keep their religion private. If you went to a local mall and asked the question, “Who is Lord?” I would imagine for every ten questions you would get ten different answers.

Maybe part of the answer to this dichotomy could be that even though North America seems to have the physical aspects of the kingdom of God, they have forgotten their King! Nicaragua, a nation battered, bruised and classified as a third-world country, but she still remembers her King. In this there is much hope for this nation. The future belongs to the people of God.

- The Buzbee Family