I’m mad. I’ve been stewing over something for the past week and I just have to say something about it. I suspect my comments will not be well received by many of you. I’m sorry about that, but this is something about which I can no longer stay silent.
I have written previously about the significant need for foster families. I have done it as delicately as possible. I haven’t tried to ruffle any feathers, but just wanted to state a need.
But I just can’t take it anymore. And that is why I have written this letter to my fellow Christians.
We have been welcoming displaced kids into our home for a little over four years. Whenever someone finds out we are foster parents, we typically hear the following responses: “You’re a better person than me.” “I could never do that.” “Wow. You’re amazing!” “The world needs more people like you.”
Let me address each of those in brutal honesty.
“You’re a better person than me.” We are not superheros. We are just as messed up as the next family. We make mistakes all the time. We say things we shouldn’t. We do things we wish we hadn’t. It doesn’t take superheros to care for other peoples’ kids. It just takes someone to say yes.
“I could never do that.” Yes, you could. You’re choosing not to, but you could if you wanted to. So let’s be truthful about what this statement really means: “I don’t want to do that. It makes me uncomfortable.” OK… but there’s very little about being a Christian that makes us comfortable, at least not on this earth. We are not called to live in comfortable houses with comfortable jobs and comfortable schedules. We’re called to love our neighbors and our community and especially the orphans around us. Loving someone typically isn’t super comfortable all of the time. In fact, it can get downright messy a lot of the time. But it is so worth it. You just need to say yes.
“Wow. You’re amazing!” No, we’re not! But we are Christians, and God commands us to care for the orphans of this world. It is *not* a choice. It is a command. You don’t need a big house or tons of money or even a spouse. You just need to say yes.
“The world needs more people like you.” Yes, it does. But usually when people say this to me, I politely bite my tongue. Today, I can’t.
A week ago, we got a call about a teenager who previously lived with us (almost three years ago) for seven months. She went back home, but her parents ultimately weren’t able to offer her the stability she needed to be successful. It is not her fault that she was homeless. It is not her fault that she can’t go back and live with either of her parents. It is not her fault she was born into a cycle of poverty and addiction.
And yet, she has to pay the price.
Because of the severe lack of foster homes in our county, this girl is destined to live out the rest of her childhood in a group home for girls. That is, unless someone steps up to be her family.
It is killing me, because if we were staying here (and not going to Nicaragua) we would most certainly keep her. But instead, we have three weeks to find someone to love and care for her, and offer her the stability she needs to finish high school and break the cycle.
I cried to a friend that I have found myself wondering about the timing of her return to our home. Are we supposed to stay here and care for her? My dear friend responded, “You can’t do it all, Wendy.”
She’s right, and I know that. And that’s what makes me mad. You see, I shouldn’t have to feel like this. There are 87,000 families in our county, but only 87 actual foster families. How many of those 87,000 are Christians? God said His church is supposed to be the ones caring for our orphans.
So where is the church in Harford County?
I’m tired of hearing all the Christians fighting against gay marriage or a racy book or whatever else is today’s big deal. God hasn’t commanded us to wage political wars, but He has told us that true religion is caring for orphans and widows. (James 1:27) I mean, really, 35,000 kids die of starvation each day and we’re staging protests over whether a major broadcaster continues airing a TV show we find repulsive?
I guess it’s easier to rant about it on Facebook than it is to open our homes to other peoples’ kids.
I get it. No one ever said orphan/foster care is easy. It involves making room for someone else in your life. It means frequent trips to doctor’s offices, dentists, counselors, and so on. It often requires setting aside your own needs for those of someone else… someone who just might be the “least of these” Jesus spoke about. (Matthew 25: 39-46). It’s hard.
But it is so unbelievably worth it.
I do not regret any of the time spent caring for the 17 kids we’ve loved over the past four years. My only regret about foster care is that during that whole time we haven’t convinced any of our friends to join us in living out God’s plan for His church. When we started this adventure, there were over 100 foster families here, now there are just 87. (Some have moved out of state, others have adopted so many kids they can’t take in any more.) This breaks my heart. I cannot even truly express to you the grief I have over this situation.
And so this is why I write today. I am imploring you… if you call Jesus the Lord of your life… stop and pray about what you can do to impact change in our community. I want to hear less about the latest Christian book you’re reading, or all those Christian songs speaking to you, and more about the hungry you’re feeding, the sick you’re caring for, and the kids you’re loving… because that is what it means to be children of God.
It’s not too late to make a significant change in the future of our community. It can be done. One pastor in Georgia inspired enough Christian families to care for 160 kids in their community! They virtually wiped out the need for kids to be sent to group homes in other cities.
These kids don’t want to grow up in group homes. They want families. They want what every kid wants… what every kid needs… just to be loved.
P.S. As I said before, you don’t need a big house (just a bed!), or lots of money (you get a monthly stipend to cover food and clothing, for example, and health care is covered by the state), or even a spouse (anyone over age 21 with a stable home and income can be a foster parent – read the complete list of requirements for MD here). They are so desperate for good families, the state will do whatever it takes to work with you to make this happen. They just need you to say yes.
[For the record: I am a conservative Christian girl who may not support the activities or behaviors of those around me, but try to love 'em all, whether they are gay, read certain books (or don't read at all!), liberal, hate chocolate (how could you!), gossip all the time, watch TV shows I hate, or just say stupid stuff. I mean, we all have our issues...]
Edited 6/1/12 to add: Read my follow-up to this letter here.
Amen!
You are oh so right. My husband and I have our homestudy next week…. I can’t believe the things people say about “the kids” in the system. It’s not the kids that are the problem, it’s the adults. It is our responsibility, as adults, to step in when other adults falter.
I know… it’s so sad when people blame foster kids for what has happened to them. I have often said it’s easier to understand why my foster kids act out, given what they have lived through. It’s my own kids I don’t understand!
Thank you for taking this huge step to care for these kids! If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask…
Wendy,
God appears to have called you into foster parenting and that is a good thing because there are so many children out there that need a good home. However you must be aware that God does not call everyone for the same pupose. I found your blog to be very painful in that it resurfaced unpleasant memories. I had close family members that fostered two children (in another state) for two years with the intent to adopt them. They were very good Christian parents who led one child to the Lord. The last case worker they had with Social Services openly admited to hating one of my family members and used the full power of DSS to persecute them. Without going into details, the children were taken away and they lost their licesse to foster. This was not an isolated case the same type thing has happened to many others. I’m glad you have found joy in fostering but you need to think before you condemn others for not having the same passion you have. There may be a good reason.
LaVerne
Hi LaVerne – Thanks for your thoughtful response. The thing is, I wasn’t born with this passion, nor did it come easily. It came after reading God’s commands (countless times) to care for orphans. He doesn’t say to only care for them if the workers are kind to us, or if the kids are easy to love. It just says to do it.
We, too, have had a very trying situation with a difficult worker (who is no longer with the department here). That could have dissuaded us from continuing, but we feel we would be ignoring God’s commands if we turned our backs on these kids.
Do you really think God’s plan is for only less than 1% of this county to care for His children? Or, could it be that there are many who are ignoring His commands and that is why we have a shortage of foster families?
Wendy,
Coming from a girl who not only grew up in an adoptive home but as you know have 2 children who are being adopted out (one by someone in your family
) thank you for speaking your mind about this you are an amazing person who has such a big heart, a smile for everyone you come across that I remember the first time I met you I felt instantly comfortable with you. Then when Cari mentioned that L and C wanted a baby and I needed a family for my son I knew that if they were anything like you than I knew my son was in good hands which is why I don’t regret my choice of who his parents were gonna be. Thank you again.
Thanks Mary – I saw your son over the weekend and he is doing AWESOME! You will forever be a hero in my eyes for what you did.
Well then were even because you, your family and Cari are all heros to me for what you did for my son and finding such wonderful people to give my children a home and family. Thank you
Hi Wendy,
I am an adoptive parent and the recruiter for the foster care program at The Arc Northern Chesapeake Region. I pray all the time for God to move people to foster and adopt the children that so desperately need loving families. Thank you for your words. May God bless them and use them to bring more families for kids.
Kathy
Upcoming informational meetings for Harford County are:
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
All meetings are held from 7:00 – 9:00 p.m.
Harford County Department of Social Services
2 South Bond Street, Bel Air
3rd floor, Conference Room
(Park in side “permit only” lot. You will not be ticketed after hours.)
For additional dates or questions, please contact
Billie Ferguson at 410-836-4922 or bferguso@dhr.state.md.us
Wendy,
As a Christian, Husband, Father (Bio, Adopt, Foster) and a Pastor, I just want to encourage you to continue to share truth, hope and love! I agree with your thoughts on this matter. We need more of the Church to understand how central these issues are to the Father’s heart. To have that understanding not simple raise awareness but encourage action. After all in His kingdom we are all foster/adoptive children! May you not “grow wearing doing good”!
Blessings!
Doug
The Arc is a private foster care agency caring for children with a whole variety of special needs. If you are interested in foster care through The Arc, our next info session is scheduled for Tuesday, June 12 from 6:30-8pm at 4513 Phildelphia Road, Aberdeen. Email fostercare@arcncr.org or visit our website http://www.arcncr.org/fostercare.aspx.
Thank you SO much for this post. I found your comment on Relevant Magazine’s newest article on the crisis of foster care- and almost cried when I found it in this month’s edition. I am a former foster youth, who emancipated at 18, and somehow defied the odds of the system – I graduated from college over a year ago and am happily employed full time. I still battle the demons of my past in foster care, but I am passionately dedicated to working with transitional age youth in particular who are often the most neglected in the system (it’s easier to recruit families for young children, but those 12+ are left in the system until emancipation, where high homelessness, incarceration, etc rates face them. I just wanted to let you know who much we former youth appreciate you standing up and advocating for us. Yes, many children from the system are plagued by “baggage” that is hard for the foster family to deal with. Yes, many social workers who work for these children seem corrupt or uncaring. But that doesn’t change the fact that we need homes, we need families (especially ones who choose to be forever families!), we need parents who choose us. As of June 2011, there were over 400k foster kids in the system, waiting for homes. We have over 300k churches in this country. If the church stepped up, can you imagine the change?
Ashleigh,
I just wanted to say that your comment was so heart warming! I congratulate you on your success, you sound like a very strong, wise young woman. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I work at a foster care agency and its always encouraging to hear people talk about the GOOD in foster care and the system. Yes, it’s a flawed system but its also of the world so it’s going to be! Thank you Wendy so much for being so bold in your statements. I completely resonate with you!!! I, myself have not started fostering yet, but I know I will. I just got married a year ago, we are still adjusting to marriage and being on our own (I’m 23 and also just graduated a year ago). However, I work for a foster care agency and I am CONSTANTLY thinking; “where is the church in all of this?” Why are NONE of the foster parents I work with strong Christians with a supportive church community? It truly is a tragedy and a neglect of God’s word. Praying that more people heed the call.
Wendy, my heart has been burning about this issue for awhile now, usually putting it off for when our kids are older, but I know the need is NOW! Unfortunately, we don’t have an extra bed, nor the room to put one in. I feel the conviction, love kids, and want to help make a difference, but don’t see how we can tangibly make it work. Is there someway I can get involved to help these kids when I can’t house them?
Yes! Not sure where you live, but in our community there are lots of ways to help foster kids without actually housing them. First, you could become a CASA – a court appointed advocate. Think of it as sort of a big brother or sister for the child during the fostering process. It’s a volunteer position and one that is in desperate need of more people. Another option is to mentor a foster child. These kids need as many stable adults in their lives as possible. I encourage you to contact your local DSS to ask about a child – probably a teen – who could benefit from such a relationship. Tutor the kids – take him to the movies – hang with him a couple times a month. The kids who especially need that are those that are stuck in group homes, without real *parental* figures in their lives.
You could also check to see if there is a foster parent association in your area, and go through them (in terms of finding kids to work with). You won’t regret it!